I can't believe it has almost been a month since I last blogged. Lately I have been feeling like my life isn't worth talking about. I have been feeling like it really doesn't matter what I do, where I go, or when I do it. These thoughts have been leaving me feeling empty inside all the time. Having the background I do, leads me to believe that marriage and/or education, (mostly marriage), are the only things that make your life complete and worth while. I know this is not the case, but the pressure of making others happy, which is a huge, either weakness or blessing I have. (I can't seem to find a happy medium which makes it a weakness for me). There are only about four people in my life that I really care about their opinions, even though I like to make everyone happy, which may make me happy, but in the long run it is not what I want. This has been a struggle for me for a long time, and it has made it so it is hard for me to know what I really want.
Another thing that I struggle with, is doing something I will actually be good at because I am worried that someone will take offense that I am good at what I do. However, I was watching a movie last week named Coach Carter, and in it he kept repeating to one of the players, "What is your deepest fear?" Well the quote from that movie, I think, describes how I feel.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
This has brought a lot of thought to my mind on this subject and I realize I need to be less prideful and just work on my happiness. I need to stop thinking the world is always looking at me and what I am doing, but focus on what I am doing and be happy. I need to stop worrying about everyone's opinions and the other four people's opinions I need to take them for what they are worth and focus on what my Heavenly Father wants for me and what makes me happy.
Now for the important stuff. I know I am a child of God! I was put on this earth at this time to shine and help others shine too. I love my family, extended family, and my un-adopted family. They are the most important people in my life. I miss being around them, but I know I am supposed to be in Utah right now, cause I have received that confirmation many times. I like my job and who I work with and maybe I will find something better in the future but right now I am happy with it. (Even if I am only a janitor) :)
4 comments:
AMEN sista!! I have thought a lot about these things lately as well. What I have come up with is that it's all about being comfortable in your own skin. I need to accept who I am and be happy where I am RIGHT NOW. Regardless of where I'd LIKE to be. Just let it go and let the Lord bless you like he wants to!
This is something I have thought about at times too and we can't fool ourselves by thinking that if I had "something" (whatever we are wishing for) that it will make us happier. We have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with everything else. It's not easy and something I have to work on all the time.
It is hard to go where your heart leads you. Trust me. I'm living it right now. At first I didn't know why I was so impressed to go into the current "sideline business" of mine which is quite con traversal to many mormons, but everyday it becomes more clear and I am thankful that I was brave enough to stop worrying about how others judged me. I have the support of my church leaders, my family and the Lord has blessed me and I can see his hand there to hold me up and support me everyday. It's true people will make snide very judgmental comments but on the other hand my eyes have been opened to the many true and supportive people there are that will love and respect you even if they would never follow down your path they still support me in my journey.
Your journey will be different from anyone else. Enjoy the ride and don't be afraid to make pit stops ( being only a janitor) and enjoy the little scenic side roads. And other people negative opinions of you........well that's just road kill. I try to just steer around that. Love ya Lauri ;-)
What people want for you is to be happy, Lauri! Me too! And I am certain that God wants you to be happy!
Don't be ashamed to accept God's blessings! Think about it. God is giving you gifts and you're worried about accepting them because of how other people might feel?
God has plans for them, too.
The only people you need to please is you and your Savior! Let God poor all kinds of good on you! He might even give you extra to share with those you love.
Also, I just started a book that says that rather than trying to be Happy, we should try to be Holy. I think the results are the same (or better). :)
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