I can't believe it has almost been a month since I last blogged. Lately I have been feeling like my life isn't worth talking about. I have been feeling like it really doesn't matter what I do, where I go, or when I do it. These thoughts have been leaving me feeling empty inside all the time. Having the background I do, leads me to believe that marriage and/or education, (mostly marriage), are the only things that make your life complete and worth while. I know this is not the case, but the pressure of making others happy, which is a huge, either weakness or blessing I have. (I can't seem to find a happy medium which makes it a weakness for me). There are only about four people in my life that I really care about their opinions, even though I like to make everyone happy, which may make me happy, but in the long run it is not what I want. This has been a struggle for me for a long time, and it has made it so it is hard for me to know what I really want.
Another thing that I struggle with, is doing something I will actually be good at because I am worried that someone will take offense that I am good at what I do. However, I was watching a movie last week named Coach Carter, and in it he kept repeating to one of the players, "What is your deepest fear?" Well the quote from that movie, I think, describes how I feel.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
This has brought a lot of thought to my mind on this subject and I realize I need to be less prideful and just work on my happiness. I need to stop thinking the world is always looking at me and what I am doing, but focus on what I am doing and be happy. I need to stop worrying about everyone's opinions and the other four people's opinions I need to take them for what they are worth and focus on what my Heavenly Father wants for me and what makes me happy.
Now for the important stuff. I know I am a child of God! I was put on this earth at this time to shine and help others shine too. I love my family, extended family, and my un-adopted family. They are the most important people in my life. I miss being around them, but I know I am supposed to be in Utah right now, cause I have received that confirmation many times. I like my job and who I work with and maybe I will find something better in the future but right now I am happy with it. (Even if I am only a janitor) :)
